Why Every 20-something Year Old Needs to Read The Defining Decade

One of the books that changed my perspective.

The Defining Decade by Dr. Meg Jay is one of the most eye-opening books I have ever encountered in my life. I guess what I liked about it is how forward it was.

This is the book that every 20-something year old woman needs to be reading. Every 19 year old girl should have a copy. They should give this away at graduation at every high school in the USA to all the ladies.

My approach to life changed after reading this book for a multitude of reasons - but first and foremost, was realizing that my priority as a young woman was that I wanted to get married, have kids, have financial stability and live happily ever after. That’s all I really would ever want in life. So how would I make that happen? If those are my priorities - the top of my priorities - then what was I going to do about it? That’s what this book challenges.

I hear it from single friends a lot - the difficulties of navigating the dating game. The games that girls and guys will play. The ghosting that occurs. It’s a minefield - or ‘dumpster fire’ - with dating apps thrown into it.

What The Defining Decade does is challenges you to figure out your priorities. If you are fine pursuing college and career - then great! Go do that. If you are fine not having a family, traveling the world - then great! Go do that. But if your goal is to have a family, then you need to make choices that align with that goal. If you want to travel the world, then you need to make choices that align with that goal. It is no brainer stuff when you think about it, but the eloquence that Dr. Jay has in writing this book makes it applicable, real-world, problem-solving solutions. Diving deeper and figuring out what is important to you. What do you want to accomplish by the time you are out of your 30s. Where do you want to be in life. That is what this is asking and this is where the rubber meets the road.

Our life choices need to align with our ultimate goals in life. The foundation of your life starts in your 20s. Building a strong foundation where you don’t have to rethink your entire life in your 30s and start from zero is a huge help. Getting out of dead-end relationships in your 20s is much better than waiting until your 30s to do it, if your priority in life is to get married and have a family. Women, whether or not we agree, whether or not we like it, whether or not we want to face it, do have a biological clock. This plays a huge effort in Dr. Jay’s book as she is unearthing how many barriers women face if their priority is to be able to get married and have a family. Everything takes time, including being able to get pregnant, carry to term and give birth to a baby. It all takes time. So Dr. Jay is putting this into perspective for women in their 20s—where do you see yourself when you are 30?

Granted, I read the book when I was 22 or 23. I wish I had read it sooner, because I’m sure I would’ve felt enlightened way sooner. Being able to be in a stable career, or starting your own business, is easier to do in your 20s vs your 30s, in the sense that you probably have less responsibilities. Knowing what you want to get out of a relationship — these questions are what you are confronted with in her book, The Defining Decade. Our lives are all passing us by, so how do you want to live it? This book is there to bring the most important things in life to the forefront and have a plan, as she reminds her readers that she’s had clients who had felt like they weren’t getting what they wanted in life, or were having regrets as they reached their late 30s.

For myself, this book taught me so much. I really made an effort to mature. I made an effort in thinking about what exactly marriage entails. Where I saw myself in 10 years. What I need to be doing to set up my life to do just that. I started a business, but then wind up moving two years later. I got serious with writing my novels. I know I’d eventually have kids (hopefully sooner than later) and wanted to provide multiple streams of income. Life is about trying things to see what works and what doesn’t, but continuously pushing forward, or at least attempting to, is part of my mantra.